- 59 minutes ago
- 11 hours ago
i really hate this feeling. it sucks.
i am not going to sugar coat anything. i am just going to say everything here like i am talking to you. even though i know you’ll never see this because i really have to get this of my chest cause its making me fucking mad.
i hate it when you doubt me. really. makes me feel so inadequate. seriously. like isnt it bad enough that i already feel such you have to add on to it? by doubting me? have i lied to you that much that you have to doubt me so much? i know i am screwed up and all but is there a real need to do such things? it sucks real bad. here i am trying and all i hear is doubt. like how you doubt me that i would ever stop talking to my ex. i tried and am still trying. you dont have to be an ass and doubt me right? or every other thing i tell you.
&& ohh your ex, that’s another problem. good that she found out about us. but is there a real need for you to reply her when she told you that she doesnt want to talk to anymore. do you really owe her an explanation? After all that she has said to you and how she has treated you. yes maybe i dont understand it’s 8 years or whatever. but did you think about how i felt? when you asked me what to reply her? seriously? asking me? what are you thinking. there is so much that i can mask. i am human too you know.
please figure this shit out. i hate it that your whatsapp wallpaper is still her face? ohh jesus do i have to spell it out for you. tell you once is not enough? i didnt even drop a hint! i told you exactly what it was. and what did you tell me? you didnt realise it was your faces? i am not that stupid! even if you tell me that you weren’t ready to change i would have accepted it. i wouldn’t be happy about it but i would have understood.
like you said so yourself i am understanding. you think i wouldn’t have understood? i just want the truth and not some bull shit. really!! i am the girl that loves you, the one that is behind you no matter what is going to happen and you don’t understand how all these would make me feel?
i really dont what more to say. and the way you reacted towards me today was really crappy. yes i slept how was i supposed to know that you wanted to meet me. and the whole day showing me attitude. i spoke to you properly, very nicely. it’s not like i didnt try. and when i told you to talk you just kept quiet. if i talk you are happy and normal. some days like today i don’t feel exceptionally in the mood to be the chatter box that i usually am. would it kill you to talk and entertain me instead?
& yes i cried while we were skyping cause you were showing me attitude and not talking to me properly. this is how i deal with things. i cry to make myself feel better. well maybe because that is my way of dealing with things. call me a cry baby or whatsoever. i dont care. makes me feel a little better.
i really cannot help but feel inadequate around you. why i dont really know. maybe because you are the best thing that happened to me. oh wait you are going to think that i am lying so i am going to save you the bullshit that comes out of my mouth, i feel that no matter how hard i try i will never be good enough for you and the only reason i went to run today was cause i was over thinking and i thought that running would help but it only made me feel worse. that was why my face looked like shit by the way.
i want to tell you another thing as well if i am such a pain to you, you should really go. i mean you told me that you have already thought about it. i know i make you unhappy. i know nothing good comes out of being with either. it’s fun and happy in the beginning but it would suck after that because i know for a fact that i am no girlfriend material. so yeah.
i cannot type anymore. it’s just making me cry further. sighh. oh well. i am going to sweep this one under the rug. i dont want to talk about this or think about this, though i know it would be difficult. but i will try. i know i can.